Advice for citizens of countries other than Ireland for March 17th.


  1. It's St. Patrick's Day, or Paddy's Day, or perhaps St. Pat's Day. Patty is one of the girlfolk from Peanuts.

  1. You're not Irish. Check your passport if you're unsure of this.

  1. Not every Irish guy you meet will know your Uncle O'Kowalski from County MacShaughnessy. We have, at last count, about 5 million people on the island. Social studies suggest each person knows at most 200 others.

  1. We don't care if you have roots in Ireland. We have roots half-way across Europe, but we don't bother the French, Spanish, English, Scottish, Welsh, Portuguese, Bretons, Basques, Italians, Germans, Swiss, Belgians, Walloons, Flemish, Dutch, etc. etc. etc. about it. Particularly not in bars.

  1. Most Irish people over the age of, oh, 10 do not wear green items for the day, unless specifically required to do so (e.g. participation in a parade, working for the Jaguar F1 team, etc.) And what's this nonsense with pinching folk who don't wear green?

  1. Green beer? What the fuck?

  1. Michael Flatley isn't Irish. We're sorry for Riverdance; the guilty parties are being dealt with. Please stop going to see it and thinking you know about Irish dancing.

  1. Guinness drinkers aren't necessarily Catholic or Republican. Beamish/Murphys/whatever drinkers aren't necessarily Protestant/Loyalist/Unionist. Politics and religion are best left to the politicians and the, well, religicians. We'd rather drink in peace, thanks.

  1. You saying that Ireland is a nation of belligerent drunks is kinda like us saying that yours is a nation of stupid people who spend far too much time meddling in other peoples' business. Except we're statistically more correct.

  1. Enjoy the celebrations. Try not to feel somehow incomplete because your country is just another flag on the Irish map of world conquest. We're good landlords.


with thanks to Waider, original author.